Lovely comedian, musician & friend Jen Kwok recently released this brilliant (and catchy) “Tiger Mom Rap” (produced by soce, the elemental wizard) about Amy Chua, the smug, gimmicky book-pushing, elitist parent that we looooves to hate. I personally like the Mommy Dearest reference. NO! WIRE! HANGERS!!! One of the best books of all time, by the way.
Anyhoo, listen to Jen’s “Tiger Mom Rap” here, and peep the lyrics below.
Tiger Mom Rap Lyrics
by Jen Kwok
Ungh. Rarr. Ungh. Rarr.
Yo, I’m the tiger mother
Hardcore parenting like no other
But I’m also a professor at Yale
And I got a crazy ass new book on sale
Talkin bout how Chinese mothers are superior
Rest of ya’ll with Montessori are inferior
I don’t allow sleepovers or play dates
My kid’s have fun doing math on a milk crate
Cuz they’re gonna be tough! So tough! After they have been broke down emotionally first.
Chorus:
Let me tell you bout my battle hymn
Piano violin piano violin
Extreme Asian parenting
I raise my kids to be high achievers
Building on their minds all the time like beavers
Cuz DAMN my kids never get less than 100 on a test
If they did I would flip the f*** out
So I found the key to perfection is assimilation
Don’t let my daughters out the house so life’s a simulation
Now I’m selling my techniques like a corporation
And I’m married to a guy named Jed!!!
Chorus:
Let me tell you bout my battle hymn
Piano violin piano violin
Extreme Asian parenting
Hippie western parents are ok with a B-minus
Mediocrity is like the blanket on Linus
I ripped up the birthday card you gave to me
Cuz it’s more Hallmark than Papyrus
I want my kids to feel like Rocky – “Adrian!”
But first they gotta feel like Gollum – “Precious!”
Practice a billion times till you get this
If you’re not perfect you will get an eye infection
So you better keep practicing. Better get perfect. Or else…you will turn into garbage. A large garbage can. They’re gonna pick you up on Sunday and Tuesday nights unless there’s a holiday and you’ll be living at the landfill like Oscar the Grouch.
Gladwell says it takes 10,000 hours to be good
Well I say 500 bajillion 74 to the pi times infiniti divided – no, not divided….
Chorus:
Let me tell you bout my battle hymn
Piano violin piano violin
Harvard, Columbia and Princeton
Piano violin piano violin
I’ve got to make perfect children
Extreme Asian parenting
I’m crazier than all the other moms
Crazier than Natalie Portman’s mom in Black Swan
Barbara Hershey!!!!! She was so powerful in Beaches
I’m crazier than Joan Crawford
No wire hangers? No wire hangers? No WOODEN hangers! No plastic hangers!
No titanium! Or crochet!
I only like these velvet ones I got from Crate & Barrel
©Jen Kwok 2011
